curse
“Mistress? Are you awake?”
...
“Mistress, I’ll be leaving for an errand soon.”
Honestly, it’s way too early.
“Mistress. You should go outside for a walk once in a while.”
Did you have to open the window, Ran? The birds are awfully loud.
“Please look after the house while I’m gone, then.”
It would be spring by now, wouldn’t it? I ought to wake up, then.
…
Always has to be a difficult endeavour, rising from hibernation. A chore I wish I could absolve myself of right at this moment; a chore I could absolve myself of right at this moment; although, extremely unwise - as similar thoughts have led me to the aforementioned conclusion countless times in the past.
The low droning noise certainly isn’t helping either.
What is that, anyway? I would have thought these suffocating bed sheets would serve as a quite decent insulator. Certainly decent for the winter, though.
Ah, that’s what it is. Finally coming to my senses.
Youko’s slacking off again this year, it seems. Always so carefree that girl is.
The phantom - the white blob - is awfully minuscule. How can one fulfill such an insignificant life? How can one be satisfied with what seems akin to nothing in their name? To be a phantom so meager in size… it truly must have been bliss; bliss to live in ignorance.
I do suppose this would be an adequate excuse to step out, as my ever lovely assistant kindly suggested. I wonder how Youko feels about having me frequent. Well, there’s no need, but her little gardener certainly has qualms about my visits. Or visits from anyone for that matter.
There isn’t much reason to dress for this occasion, now is there? It isn’t as if the sentiment would be reciprocated by her; she’d always be wearing that ever simple blue and pink one-piece no matter the occasion.
I do have to say, phantoms are such adorable creatures; curiously wandering the realms searching for something, anything to satiate their inquisitivity. Almost like a house cat - but I feel comparing fully sentient beings (or at least ex-sentient) to mere pets would be quite insulting to say the least. Their attention span certainly speaks otherwise; a simple hand gesture has the small phantom entranced, slowly approaching me. Quite like a cat.
Perhaps not entirely as hasty as a cat. While I was already standing comfortably in the confines of Youko’s Netherworld home, the small phantom floats ever so gently through the slip. It feels particularly… confused in regards to the sudden shift in environment. It wiggles and squirms, landing in the palm of my outstretched hand.
Now, where could that girl be?
“Are you around, Youko? Come out!”
Not even a split second and there she appears, phasing through the closed screen door in front of me. As an enthusiast for grand entrances (like myself I might add), her floating no-handed cartwheel and twirls certainly amuse.
“Here comes the ghost you called~~”
Ahh, she’s so cute.
“Boo! Did I scare you?”
She clasps both hands behind her back and leans slightly towards my face - she really is testing my temptations (to hug).
“Short time no see, Ziyun. Or would it be a long time?”
“Perhaps. Winter is quite long, after all.”
“So so, what brings you here today? Did you need something? Or are you just out on a walk?”
She nods adorably from side to side, bringing her finger up to her chin.
“Do walks do you any good?”
“Youko. Please take your job seriously.”
“I’m always serious!”
I don’t buy that for a second. Not with those arms crossed and that cute pout.
“You’re seriously slacking off, aren’t you? That’s why phantoms keep coming inside my room.”
“Isn’t that because you’re slacking off, Ziyun? You should be more serious too.”
“I’m unseriously slacking off. It’s different.”
“You’re whaaat now? Fufufu~ Fine then! Be like that.”
She humphs (cutely).
“Ooh! What a tasty looking phantom…”
The poor thing floats over to her outstretched hands. Really doesn’t know how to sense danger at all, does it?
“Ah! That reminds me, I have some yakitori that’s supposed to be tasty. Do you want to have some with me?”
“Supposed to? So you don’t actually know if it’s tasty or not…”
“Of course not. I haven’t eaten it yet. It should be tasty though.”
“I’ll gladly partake then. It’ll be my breakfast.”
“Yakitori for breakfast? How luxurious~ Hold on a bit, I’ll get it ready.”
“Ah, is Hanako out?”
“No, Hanako’s here. But it’s my secret yakitori. I was planning to eat it all by myself.”
Of course a grand entrance wouldn’t be complete without a grand exit - she leans cutely again, phasing back through the screen door. Her small hands are the last I see of her, waving adorably.
“See you~~”
The small phantom flies away in a different direction; its attention deviates (again) to something in the distance.
“Phantoms are such adorable creatures, aren’t they?”
“Right? That one’s definitely tasty!”
Youko points at a relatively large phantom in the distance. Well, I think it’d be sufficiently fulfilling to say the least… but I’m not too sure if it’d be tasty…
“With salt, maybe it’ll be even tastier!”
“Salted phantom, huh? I don’t think that would be particularly remarkable...”
“Maybe you’d prefer sugar then?”
“Sweet things make me worry too much about cavities...”
“Are you going to eat it raw, then? Isn’t there something about raw meat that’s just… stimulating?”
…
“When did you become such a glutton, Youko?”
I didn’t even have that much of the yakitori and the plate is already empty… Really, this girl is something else.
“I’ve been this way ever since I was born. Or at least it feels like it.”
“Oh? Before you died, huh… how was it…”
Perhaps I... shouldn’t have dug into this...
“What? Ziyun, don’t tell me you’re already becoming senile…”
“You’re one to talk…”
Really, it’s been a while since I’ve delved into this sector of my memories.
“Hmmm… How long has it been since we met?”
“About twelve thousand years?”
Wait, isn’t that a tad much?
“I don’t think it’s been quite that long. In any case, it’s been peaceful, carefree years. Each day like any other, hasn’t it?”
It was something about a… burden? Ah!
“That’s right! I remember now. This is all because of Youko’s curse.”
“...Curse? Isn’t that a bit mean? What could you be talking about?”
“Don't you remember?”
Perhaps not. She was most likely still... alive... back then…
“Oh.”
“Mmm?”
I shouldn’t have… I can’t tell her…
“That’s right, you hadn’t…”
Her ghost self and her past self are separate entities, with the past self’s memories dying with her. The only memories that both of them share would be filled with the sheer resentment of her inexorable death.
“What are you going on about all alone? Was this before I died?”
Sigh.
“That’s right. Before you died, you placed a curse on me.”
“...Me? On Ziyun?”
“Yes.”
“Ahahaha! You’re joking… I’m not that mean…”
“Hehehe… Is this also what you call ‘ignorance is bliss’? Or rather, in your case it would be ‘ignorance is hotoke[1]’?”
“You’re a bit strange today, Ziyun.”
“How mean~ But really, I don’t think you realise… what a mess I was when you died.”
“Wow, Ziyun, besides herself in tears? The image alone is strange - no, sickening!”
She holds her head in mock despair - seriously? I’m trying to be somewhat sentimental here…
“Even I lose my composure sometimes. I’m a lady, you know~”
“Huh? Did Ziyun sleep too much and finally go crazy? Did she let loose and destroy the border of truth and lies~?”
God, what baseless accusations. I’d have been too far gone if fundamental borders were manipulated - the world probably would have ended by then.
“You’re just as suspicious as I am, you know?”
“Huh, I thought I was at least… different from you.”
She suddenly leans towards my face and gazes at me in the eye - almost too close for comfort. Her hand finds rest over mine, subtly attempting a peaceful takeover of my clammy hand.
“Hey. What’s the true story?”
On second thought, the distance to her face isn’t all that short. She wouldn’t be at all phased if I lean even closer - but it would certainly add to the effect.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“Hmmm~ Nope.”
Fufufu~ Her expression really betrays her words.
“Then I won’t tell you.”
“Awh, you’re so mean~”
“Hehehe…”
I remember. The day Youko placed a curse on me; cherry blossoms filled the air; butterflies flew about; and most importantly, Youko was still alive.
“You’re such a mean youkai[2], Ziyun!”
She humphed cutely, as always.
“Youkai are all like that. But I’m different. I’m a wonderful youkai.”
“See? There you go again. Lying’s no good.”
“I’m not lying. I only ever tell the truth.”
“Mou~ I’ll try not to be like you, even when I'm dead.”
Aw, she looked terribly cute… but maybe with a slight hint of disappointment.
“Already speaking about when you’re dead? The oni will come laughing if they hear you. Oni with breath reeking of alcohol.”
“Are there really oni out there? Do they really smell like alcohol?”
“Hmm… who knows? You might find out when you die~”
“Mouu… there you go again, teasing me like that. If you keep it up, you’ll certainly pay for it one day. Ah - of course! That’s it!”
She pointed a finger up in the air, an idea seemingly coming to her.
“What is it?”
“I’m going to put a curse on the mean youkai!”
“A curse?”
“Yes, a curse.”
“You, a human? On me, a youkai?”
“That’s right!”
“Hmm, that certainly sounds interesting! Let’s see it, then.”
She gently let her breath out as cherry blossoms descended leisurely around her figure - she was breathtaking, almost ephemeral. The moment was forever ingrained as the memory of the human who - at the best of times - never truly felt alive. Perhaps it was the product of her own deathly curse?
She clasped her hands together, whispering a small prayer.
“Youkai, who loves this world.
Youkai, who listens to me.
Youkai, who calls herself Ziyun.
I like you.”
Fufufu… what a wonderful girl.
“Hahahaha... was there ever such a pleasant and wonderful curse? If vengeful spirits hear you, they’ll certainly be very angry.”
“No, no, Ziyun. This is a perfectly good curse, too. You don’t need anything special for a curse.”
This was certainly enlightening for me.
“Oh?”
“Curses are words. Words are of the heart. Through sound, words carry my thoughts to your heart.
And the words swirl up inside you, like a vortex, tying up your heart.
They wrap around like delicate silk strings; slowly eating into it.
As long as you live, my words won’t disappear.”
To be honest, I was speechless.
“Is that the curse?”
“Yes.”
“That sounds awfully similar to a kotodama[3].”
“You can think of it that way, but I don’t believe words carry any meaning or power by themselves.”
She turned around to face the cherry blossom tree, billowing in the wind.
“It’s the heart that has the power. Words have power because of both of our hearts intertwined. For example, there are words you can say and words you shouldn’t, just like there are lying youkai or drunk oni like you. There are youkai who do good, and there are youkai who do evil.”
She twirled around the courtyard with hands outstretched in an attempt to catch the fleeting blossoms.
“Isn’t that right?”
She really is a kind girl.
“I have never met a youkai who does good nor evil, nor a youkai who places curses on others.”
I lied as easily as she breathed.
“Is that so? I’m sure they’re somewhere out there. Somewhere. Oh! A butterfly!”
The butterfly landed on her silky black hair. The contrast was something to behold, really. The bright purple and pink butterfly, lost in the darkness of her shoulder-length hair. She turned around to face me, hands clasped. A small blush dusts her cheeks, and she lets out a sheepish smile.
Youko died that week.
All I remember thereafter was the cherry blossoms in full bloom; the butterflies that flew like flies; and that I felt the despair - the sheer significance of what Youko had done, of course, only after she had died.
Why didn’t I notice it before?
Youko’s death came without a sign.
Actually, no.
There was so much death in Youko that I didn’t notice the fragrance of her own death.
Her detached, otherworldly attitude.
Her choice of words.
Even with a word like ‘curse’, Youko hid her true meaning; her true purpose.
Her purpose in leaving behind the words - her power - her heart, to a long-living youkai.
With her ability to invite death; what she thought; how she lived; I couldn’t believe - what Youko had done.
Youko reappeared before me as a ghost - but she didn’t remember anything from before her death. She couldn’t remember anything from before her death.
I learnt the fear of being left behind.
I learnt Youko’s true feelings.
Saigyouji Youko,
would never come back.
Many years have passed. There’s a thought that only occurs to me now; that for her, born into the Saigyouji family, with the ability to invite death; that perhaps the curse she placed on me was one of her few, and very last acts of selfishness.
“Ziyun!”
“Ziyun~!”
And there she is. Standing in front of me, hands clasped behind her, face ever so slightly leaning towards mine.
“Oh? I’m sorry. What were you saying?”
“Nothing. You just looked a little dazed. Ziyun staring blankly can’t mean anything good.”
Was I really out of it?
“I was just… remembering things.”
“The same story as before? Do you feel like telling me now?”
“Let’s see…”
Humouring her wouldn’t hurt, would it?
“You committed a sin, Youko.”
“A sin?”
“Yes. You did something terrible to me. Oh, that reminds me. Did you know? According to Enma-sama[4], cherry blossom trees are haunted by sinful spirits.”
“Only on purple blossoms, right? Saigyou Ayakashi is supposed to have beautiful pink blossoms.”
“Hmm… Is it maybe pink because it’s sinful and non-sinful at the same time?”
Her inquisitive expression turns a little worried. Although, I feel as if she’s teasing me again.
“Isn’t Ziyun the sinful one?
Ah, there we go.
“Hmmm… Maybe.”
I try to lean back on the wooden veranda. Since it is spring, the beautifully pink Saigyou Ayakashi is once again in full bloom.
“Hey, I was just teasing you!”
“It’s your fault that we’re having such a silly conversation, Youko~”
“Arghh… I still don’t get it. My mind’s blank, Ziyun. How ever are you going to pay for this?”
“Hahaha, what do you want me to do?”
She’s so adorable when she’s confused.
“Mouu… would I get your memory if I eat you?”
“I’m not that tasty…”
“Ah, I guess I won’t try then.”
“Don’t worry. You won’t remember anything from when you were alive, so you don’t have to let it bother you.”
“That's unfair~”
God, I really need a stretch. The air really is nice and crisp this morning, huh? I should thank Ran later for the suggestion.
“Well then. I think I’ll get going. Thanks for the yakitori.”
“I feel like my customer is running away without paying.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll come again, of course. You’re here because I’m here. And I’m here because you’re here.”
“What does that mean?”
“It’s a curse. Payback for Youko.”
“Oh, I see. See you later then, youkai who places a curse on others.”
Wait- what did she just…
“What did you…?”
“Hmm? You said curse, right?”
“Ah. I see. Yes, I’m a wonderful youkai who places curses on others.”
Her giggles are music to my ears. Full of life and full of innocence.
“What’s so funny~?”
“I don’t know, actually. For some reason, I suddenly wanted to laugh.”
If spring sunshine was ever a thing, then the girl in front of me would be the definition of such.
“Well then, I’ll see you again, Youko~”
I wave at her as a slip envelops my body.
“Bye bye!”
Many years have passed,
Youko is here,
And the curse that binds me,
Will never disappear.
[1] Hotoke: Word of Buddhist origin. It could either mean ‘the dead’ or ‘bliss’ and has some other meanings not relevant to this piece.
[2] Youkai: Supernatural entities. Magicians fall under this umbrella term.
[3] Kotodama: The belief that mystical powers reside in words. Referred to as ‘the spirit of words’ and quite literally meaning ‘word’ + ‘spirit’ in chinese characters.
[4] The title of the Buddhist god of the deceased who judges where the dead go.